i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
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