it wasn't lemon gatorade
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize