I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
