we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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