batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
