apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
