it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
