Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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