Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
