I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Randomize
