So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Randomize