Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
