Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
