I wish you could order shots online.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
