I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
