I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize
