he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
