The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I need to stop coming to work sober
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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