hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
