My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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