party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
