Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
