Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
