my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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