I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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