We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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