i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
