I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize