I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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