There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize