if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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