life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize