Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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