Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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