i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
