Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
