I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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