I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
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