Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
