apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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