I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
He better not be in your backpack
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
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