I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
