I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
