Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
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