I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
