I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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