i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
