video games are the ultimate cock blocker
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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