I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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