he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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