I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I love you. Go after that dick
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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