Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
