party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
