Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
